Last week, I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.
Let me tell you about this wonderful woman.
Barbara, Auntie B, or Gramma to us grandchildren, was born in 1930 to the first generation of Newfoundland.
(No wonder I like the music of .Alan Doyle. (and .Great Great Sea.), it’s in my DNA!)
Gramma was a preschool teacher for 22 years and has been an active member in her community her entire life. She was a devil of a quilter and helped launch many quilting initiatives over the years. She volunteers at the Council on Aging. She also often drove for Meals on Wheels, “providing meals to the old” (as she called it), which she did well into her 80s!
During past visits to Massachusetts, I would drop by Gramma’s for an afternoon, habitually checking my phone, often distracted with some unimportant work thought occupying my brain. I think we’ve known her all my life, I just had this thought “Gramma has always been here, and Gramma will always be here.”
Fortunately, I stumbled upon an ancient Japanese concept that helped me recognize and correct this pattern. It allowed all my recent visits with Gramma to be decidedly different.
Ichi-go Ichi-e A once in a lifetime chance
There is a concept that dates back to Japanese tea ceremonies in the 1600s called ichi-go ichi-e:
This translates to: “once, a meeting”.
It is a reminder for us to treasure and embrace each unrepeatable moment in time. It doesn’t matter how many times we do something or see someone, it’s the alone time it actually happens this way, in this moment
This concept can remember to be more present.
- Instead of checking our phones, we can focus on the person or task in front of us.
- Instead of worrying about tomorrow or zoning out, we can be here now.
- Instead of going through the motions, we can be a little more deliberate with our behavior.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Japanese Zen philosophy in recent years (.see my essay on Wabi-Sabi.), and this concept of ichi-go ichi-e stayed with me as well.
Which brings me to my travels to visit Gramma this summer.
I stopped worrying about the future or ruminating on the past, put my phone down, and just sat with her.
I treated each visit as if it were the alone time I would have this interaction.
I asked questions about his childhood. I learned that he spent a few summers living in a tent without running water or electricity, while his father built his house with his own two hands. And how much she he loved
He told me about his teenage years, including the time she ran away from home and got caught, and had to sit at the foot of her parents’ bed until the sun came up.
I learned more about my grandfather. She also shared pictures of her wedding that I have never seen before:
She even found some photos of me and her from back in the day!
This was my favorite:
I went back to Nashville last month, not knowing when (or if) I would see him again.
It always felt different. I had connected with Gramma more deeply in a few visits than I probably had in the last 10 years combined.
Which brings me to this past week at the hospital.
Community of Gram
Last week, my brother and I drove to visit Gramma in the hospital every day.
And every day, a revolving door of guests showed up to check on her:
His grandchildren. My uncle and father. My sister and my mother (who just had surgery!). His grandchildren. His best friend’s son. Her friend Anne. Friends of the Elder Council. Fellow quilters. People from his church.
At one point, there were 10 of us visiting at the same time, and it turned into an absolute party.
I was in awe of this woman and how many lives she impacted.
If there is a clear sign of a life well lived, it is being surrounded by people who love you. Gramma was selfless for so much of her life, and I was amazed and inspired by how many people dropped everything to come and spend time with her, swapping stories and keeping her company.
Despite the circumstances, he also has a great sense of humor:
The first time she opened her eyes and saw me, she smiled and said, “I remembered another story!” She later told me about the time she “borrowed” a car, even though she didn’t have a license yet, to drive through the streets of Boston to get her boyfriend back.
While on the phone with his 94-year-old brother-in-law, he asked “how are you, old man?”
When the doctor asked “Are you feeling better today?” she replied “better than WHAT!”
Spending time with Gramma and all the people from different parts of her life felt like the best possible use of my time. I am in love with the community she has around her, and I am always moved to tears by the love so many people have for her.
This point was driven home even more by my Gramma’s hospital “neighbor”…
Live Deliberately
The hospital where my Gramma is located is right next to Walden Pond, the same pond made famous by Henry David Thoreau in his book. .Walden..
One day, after visiting Gramma, I took a leisurely walk around its perimeter, watching the setting sun dance through the trees.
(The Japanese even have a word for this, it’s called “komorebi”.)
Then read the sign with Thoreau’s most famous reflection:
“I went into the forest because I wanted to live deliberately, to face only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what I had to teach, and not, when I came to die, I discovered that I had not not lived.”
Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.
Gramma went in the other direction, prioritizing what is most important to her: family, friends and community.
Two different scenarios, same end result:
Choose to live deliberately.
I have no plans to move into the woods and live simply, but I think I’ve been doing my best to live more deliberately these past few years.
In particular, I reprioritize what is most important to me too: friends, family and community.
All we have to decide…
A few years ago, Gramma presented my brother, sister and I with three of her favorite handmade quilts.
“I was going to give you the grandchildren after his death, but I want to give them now so that we can enjoy this moment together.”
She took the time to explain the meaning behind each quilt and why they were chosen for each of us. I am so thankful that she did this, rather than waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after her death.
When I visited Gramma this summer, I discovered that he had printed my essay .about my grandfather, her husband, who had died.. I hope I made Grampy proud, but I realize I never got to tell him how much I learned from him before he died.
Therefore, I am writing this essay now to make sure she knows how much she has taught me. I am so proud of my Gramma and I appreciate having the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).
(I got a text from my dad telling me he read this sketch to him in the hospital and loved it. Mission accomplished!)
I sure hope Gramma gets better and can come home. After all, she told her friend Laurie “I’m not done!”
But I also know that this is not for us to decide.
As Gandalf tells Frodo The Fellowship of the Ring: :
“All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given.”
I hope my Gramma and Thoreau can inspire you to live more deliberately:
- If you are willing to put down your phone and being present with the people in front of you, life can feel so much richer.
- If you are willing to prioritize what is really important instead of things trying to steal your attention, never make mistakes with the choices you make.
- If you can find a way to focus on the important people in your lifethey will still be a part of it when you are 94.
And finally remember, no matter what you do today, this is the only time this the moment will happen.
Act accordingly.
– Steve
PS: If you want a thought-provoking film to be present and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I highly recommend Wim Wenders. .Perfect days..
