It’s been a long time since I felt this uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and I looked Do not speak evil (.trailer here.), a horror/suspense film about a family that goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
And shockingthings don’t go as planned.
If you have seen the .“Dinner Party” episode. The Office. where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for the the most awkward house party ever, and I think to myself…
“What if it was a 2 hour horror movie instead?”
… this is essentially the plot of Do not speak evil.
This movie is based on a 2022 European movie of the same name, so naturally I had to watch it too. And boy, that version was even bleaker and more shocking.
This movie has some really sharp comments about relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This film asks: “How many of our borders are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone’s feelings?”
I always joke .how much fun people avoid conflicts. I know, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and Overcommitting
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So we went to the Episcopal church as children.
And despite that, I managed to get it all Catholic guilt!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do my best not to offend. Overcommit, I’ll put myself in really frustrating situations, just because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
Long story short, I didn’t do well Do not speak evil.
I thought this was just to be nice, but I realized it was something different.
I lacked respect for myself and my own well-being!
Over the years, I have learned to set and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect me from others, but to protect me… from myself.
I have a hunch that there are a few people reading this newsletter who are also people pleasers, struggling with burnout, and feeling too busy right now.
If you are, I have a truth that is hard to hear.
The Solution to Burnout is not a Yoga Retreat
When we feel burnt out, too busy and overwhelmed, we think the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or retreat.
- Achievement: We just need to work harder in the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all these solutions treat the symptom, not the root cause.
As indicated in Anne-Helen Peterson .He can’t even.: :
“You don’t solve burnout by going on vacation. You don’t solve it through ‘life hacks’ like inbox zero, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or doing Sunday meal prep for the whole family, or starting a bullet journal. You won’t fix it by reading a book about how to “unfu*k yourself”.
You didn’t fix it with the holidays, or a coloring book for adults, or “anxiety kitchen”, or the Pomodoro Technique, or overnight oats.
How to share in my essay on .the problems with Self-Care.The solution is not found in a Yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a journal or a meditation app.
The solution is to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We need to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help others.
Boundaries protect against burnout
We pleasurers spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting everyone else’s needs, very rarely considering our own.
This is usually how we find ourselves over-committed, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and potentially resent our generosity for being taken for granted.
The problem?
It is not someone else’s responsibility to set our boundaries.
It is up to us to establish them, explain them and protect them.
This is where the boundaries come in.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to really consider ourselves ours need too Something I never considered for a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who haven’t even considered their needs in a long time
This does not mean that we need to immediately become “I AM THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS”, but rather, it means that we need to face the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and we need to take care of ourselves themselves you also go to take care of others.
As Dr. Lakshmin points out in .Real self care.: :
“To practice true self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable—whether that means having uncomfortable conversations about setting boundaries or making the clear and deliberate choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”
Here is your challenge for the day:
Say NO to something you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Establish this boundary for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, this will require you to trust those around you, and maybe even *GASP* potentially kill someone!
Especially if they are used to saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you, their reaction is not your responsibility to manage.
One last reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t travel in time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put less stuff on our plate.
This requires us to develop boundaries to protect ourselves… from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what boundaries you set, so hit reply and let me know!
– Steve
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